I’m in a new relationship.   I’ve been dating this great girl now for eight months. Is that still considered new?   Is there a cut off time from when a relationship goes from "new and exciting" to when it’s like "ball and chain?"   Not that I’ve actually ever experienced that. I think I’ve always bailed way before "ball and chain." I think I usually get out somewhere after "slavery," but before "insanity." I think there is a gauge, however. There’s a gauge to tell whether your relationship is still new. Not like a gauge you find in your car. There isn’t a needle that travels between "F" and "E" with an idiot light that comes on with a tone (ding! empty dude, get out, time for some "self-serve").   But I do think there is a more obscure gauge. Let’s call it, a behavioral gauge. Like, it’s really easy to tell if the relationship is still new if she drives a stick shift. Don’t kid yourself, my girlfriend drives a stick and in between shifts...she reaches for my hand. So our relationship is still definitely new.   In fact, there are times she will do a move; I call it the advanced-lateral-cross-over move. That’s when she reaches over and shifts with the left hand while still holding my hand with her right and most times she’ll incorporate the quarter pounder move, you know, where she still keeps control of the steering with the knee. That’s full-throttle, my friends. That’s love! The needle on our gauge is still showing "full". And, hey, I’ll share a secret with you: I think we are almost ready to start talking about sex.

So, yeah, we met on New Year’s eve. Which is really convenient because it makes it easy to answer that pressure question, you know, the question that can be used as break-up fodder down the line by the offended partner, that question that goes something like: "so how long have you two been dating?" If you don’t have an answer to that question it’s dangerous. Because, I hear there are some people that find retaining that information to be terribly important.   There are few things that create stress for most people like that question.   Because for some reason there is a stigma attached to not being able to immediately arrive at the precise amount of time you’ve been in a relationship.   If you dare take that quiet pause to do some simple math, you’re screwed. You will immediately be suspected of being detached and uninterested.

And, you know what the most common answer to that question is? According to a poll, taken by the A.C. Nielson people. You know, the same folks that tell you how many households are watching "Survivor," or who’s leading in the presidential races, so you know they’re accurate, well within a margin of error of plus or minus 4 percentage points. Anyway, according to this poll, the most common answer to the question: So, how long have you two been dating? is: "uhm..."   that’s right "uhm..." and that answer is a killer.

"How long have you two been dating?"

"Uhm..."

Right there. It’s death. Especially if you’re in an insecure relationship; what I mean by insecure is almost any relationship, well, except mine, because mine’s perfect. Yeah, it is. Remember, advanced-lateral-cross-over-shift?

Back to "uhm." if you say "uhm," in the presence of an insecure partner, your partner will look over at you and go, "What, you don’t know?"

"Yeah, I know...it’s 8 months...right?"

"How come you didn’t say that?"

"I had to figure out what month it was?"

And as a guy that’s really why we say, "uhm...", we’re buying time to figure out what month it is. That’s all. We’re really not being insensitive. I mean, we can barely figure out if it’s shower day. We’re not trying to remember how we met, or where, or anything like that, we are just thinking, "Uhm, what month is it?"

And there’s a process to remembering the answer to that question, without looking like you’re thinking too hard. Guys use a different process than girls, I think. Guys, might turn to sports, for example.

"How long have you been dating?"

"Well, let’s see, the Jets just had their first game of the season...it’s September, so that means, yeah, going on nine months."

That’s why if you are in a relationship where remembering the precise amount of time you’ve been dating is important, you have to be prepared. Because you never know when someone is going to spring that question on you. You have to start each day with a reminder; wake up and say, "Today is October 15^th, so that means we’ve been dating precisely 9 months and 15 days. Or, "Today is October 20^th, so we’ve been dating 9 months and 20 days."   Without that reminder you might be caught off guard and end the evening sleeping in your car.   As an added note, remember that there are times you can be distracted, so you have to be careful. Say, it’s November 2^nd and you wake up you say, "It’s November 2^nd , that means we’ve been dating 11 months and—oh yeah, i have to vote, where’s my sample ballot?"   You go to vote, and at the polling place you meet a friend of your girlfriend and she says, "Hey, you’re Lauren’s boyfriend aren’t you?"

"Yeah."

"So, how long have you been dating?"

"Uhm...what month is it?"

"Is this an exit poll?"

And that’s why I know that I’ve met the perfect woman. Because, I don’t have to reference the NFL or anything like that to remember how long we’ve been dating.   I don’t need to. Because I know that if she was asked the same question by one of her friends and didn’t have the answer immediately, she too would buy some time by saying. "Uhm...is it shower day?"

When you’re dating someone people treat you differently than when you are married. When you are dating someone, a friend will say, "So, you’re still seeing that same girl? How’s that going?"   They don’t dare say that when you’re married. "You still married to that same girl? How’s that going?"

If you just meet someone they might ask, "Are you married?"

"Yeah, I’m married."

And if they are interested in you they will follow that question up with, "Happily?"